We’re told that getting into a long-distance relationship is a bad idea. But research says that may not be true anymore. It’s reported that 75% of college students in relationships and 3 million adult couples live apart from their partners (Long-distance Relationships Can Form Stronger Bonds Than Face-to-face Ones, 2013b). People in long-distance relationships have more meaningful conversations, intimacy, and intentionality. That may sound crazy, but research shows otherwise.
These couples have to make time for each other daily where time together is not a given. When they do get to see each other they’re trying to soak up every moment they can. If done well studies show that these couples can be just as strong and successful as those who see each other every day. So the answer to the question “Can long-distance relationships work?” is a big yes if both partners are willing to put in the work. What was once impossible is no longer and is actually possible and even has some benefits along the way. Strategies to feel connected like consistent communication and shared experiences are key to a strong long-distance relationship.
Pros of Long-Distance Relationships
You might be surprised to find that people in long-distance relationships report some unexpected benefits from their non-traditional relationship dynamic. Here are some of the benefits:
Resilience
Even with all the technology available, in-person relationships are easier to maintain. Long-distance relationships are hard and no matter how strong the bond couples will struggle at some point. But by focusing on the strategies and mindset to make a long-distance relationship work – communication, planning, and shared goals – couples can strengthen their connection. When they can work through the tough moments because of their long-distance situation they will become stronger in ways that will prepare them for future challenges.
Helping Couples Become Better Communicators
Couples who live apart learn the importance of open and honest communication to maintain a strong connection. Dating someone who lives far away from you presents unique challenges like dealing with important issues that arise and requires effective communication strategies.
Whether it’s communicating the logistics of when and where they will talk or planning the next time they will see each other, couples have to develop the skills to communicate. On a deeper level, they have to learn to communicate about sensitive topics when they can’t see or hear each other like when texting or talking on the phone is the only option. Living apart allows them to develop these types of skills that will benefit the relationship overall.
Deepening the Emotional Bond
Sex and physical intimacy are important aspects of most relationships. If that’s removed or becomes very infrequent couples can focus on the other parts of their relationship. The physical part of the relationship is wonderful but can be distracting or limit interactions to being superficial. Long-distance couples can deepen the nonphysical yet valuable parts of their relationship by maintaining an emotional connection which is key to building trust, patience, and communication.
Increasing Trust
Trusting someone you can’t be with regularly can be tough. When added to a lack of communication or a history of dishonesty building trust can be a big challenge. However, deep trust can be developed over time and will reduce the insecurity or fear that’s common in long-distance relationships. Communication and involving each other in daily life is key to making your partner feel connected, close, and supported.
Learning to Maintain a Sense of Self
Couples who spend a lot of time apart are left with the choice of being alone or creating a social life for themselves. Long-distance relationships can empower both individuals in the relationship to develop their own lives. During this process, a person can learn to find happiness on their own, understand themselves more, and create a sense of self. When a couple is made up of people who have a strong sense of self it benefits the relationship. If individuals struggle with their feelings they may want to consult a mental health professional.
Avoiding Co-Dependency
Getting lost in a relationship is unhealthy. A relationship is two lives coming together by people sharing their world and creating a new one. Long-distance relationships can help you keep your own identity and prevent people from becoming co-dependent. It’s important to stay connected through regular phone calls, video chats, and thoughtful gestures to maintain emotional closeness despite the physical distance.
Keeping the Excitement
When couples don’t get to see each other often every moment they spend together is precious to them. Couples can play online games together to have fun and interactive experiences. You want to make every moment count so couples tend to work extra hard to enjoy even a quick weekend together here and there. In some ways, this can keep the excitement alive and well as if you’re newly dating again.
Developing a Deeper Appreciation for Each Other
When time is limited you can’t take each other for granted. You’ll start to notice and value parts of your partner you may not have noticed before. You’ll cherish the small things about them that make them unique. Cherishing each other is part of having a happy long-lasting relationship.
Some Added Perspective
In reality, these benefits can make someone believe in the saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. If done well, long-distance couples can develop good habits like being intentional and being more aware of their partner’s needs. Without developing those habits their relationship wouldn’t survive. Video chatting can play a big role in maintaining intimacy, making the partners feel connected despite the distance.
Some of the tough parts of living apart can actually be turned into strengths. Long-distance relationships involve two people who are willing to put in the work. In essence, it forces the couple to do what regular couples should be doing anyway, but don’t. Both partners should also have a shared vision of living in the same city to have hope and commitment.
Relationships, regardless of the physical proximity of the partners, will always have their challenges. The problem is that while many couples seek counseling when things get tough, long-distance couples feel they don’t have that option. They try to work it out on their own and give up if they don’t succeed. But the same technology they use for virtual communication can also be used for counseling. There are several options including some reputable and well-known online marriage counseling providers that can help.
Then you and your long-distance partner will enjoy the significant perks of a healthy long-distance relationship.
Sources
- Long-distance relationships can form stronger bonds than face-to-face ones. (2013, July 13). ScienceDaily. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/07/130718101232.htm
- Jiang, L. C., & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence makes the communication grow fonder: geographic separation, interpersonal media, and intimacy in dating relationships. Journal of Communication, 63(3), 556–577. https://doi.org/10.1111/jcom.12029
- Krapf S. (2017). Moving in or Breaking Up? The Role of Distance in the Development of Romantic Relationships. European journal of population = Revue europeenne de demographie, 34(3), 313–336. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10680-017-9428-2
- Liefbroer, A. C., Poortman, A. R., & Seltzer, J. A. (2015). Why do intimate partners live apart? Evidence on LAT relationships across Europe. Demographic research, 32, 251–286. https://doi.org/10.4054/DemRes.2015.32.8
- Billedo, C. J., Kerkhof, P., & Finkenauer, C. (2015). The use of social networking sites for relationship maintenance in long-distance and geographically close romantic relationships. Cyberpsychology, behavior and social networking, 18(3), 152–157. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2014.0469
Michelle is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist working as a counselor for students, faculty, and staff at Abilene Christian University in Texas. She works with athletes, bridging the gap between athletics and mental health at ACU. Michelle ran her own private practice in Austin, Texas where she worked with a diverse population, including couples and families.