In the early months of a relationship, it can seem like nothing can go wrong. Why wouldn’t you both be head over heels for each other forever? No matter what comes up, there’s nothing you can’t get through, right? While that may indeed be true at that moment, that head-over-heels part isn’t meant to last forever. In this early phase, both partners are usually bathed in attraction and bonding hormones (Solis, 2024). These are meant to help you connect with a mate, and can make you feel as if you are experiencing “love at first sight.”
Once these chemicals begin to wear off, and normal conflict crops up, it can feel like a punch to the gut. Both partners may chase the original feeling for years, not understanding what happened to that early connection. Why are there now disagreements, disconnection, and criticism? Patterns and attachment styles formed during early relationships significantly influence individual behaviors and expectations in adult romantic relationships. These early relationships shape how we handle conflict, express love, and maintain connection, ultimately impacting relationship dynamics and satisfaction in adulthood.
Working Through Relationship Issues
The reality is that relationships involve quite a bit of work. Both partners will likely need to work through childhood traumas, self-acceptance issues, acceptance of each other, and toxic communication patterns to maintain a healthy relationship.
Sometimes these struggles can devolve into more serious issues like extramarital affairs, or turning away from your partner in other ways. Changes in oneself, career and financial issues, and becoming a parent can also complicate matters.
You may simply feel like you’ve lost your connection, or you can’t stop fighting.
Often couples turn to a professional to better understand what’s going on, or to address communication problems or betrayals that have come up in the relationship. So how exactly does relationship therapy work? What can you expect?
Benefits of Couples Therapy
Couples therapy offers numerous benefits for individuals and couples alike. By participating in therapy, couples can develop a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, desires, and concerns. This increased understanding often leads to improved communication, conflict resolution, and intimacy.
Therapy provides a safe and supportive environment for individuals to express themselves and work through issues, leading to increased self-awareness and personal growth. Whether you’re dealing with minor disagreements or more significant challenges, couples therapy can be a transformative experience that strengthens your bond and enhances your relationship.
Starting Couples Therapy
Once you have chosen a therapist and made an appointment, you will meet your counselor (usually with your partner) for the first time.
Many therapists utilize an initial assessment process. This can vary widely, depending on the approach and the therapist. It could be as simple as an open conversation where the two of you and the therapist discuss problems that often come up. In other cases, it may be highly structured, with forms to fill out ahead of time and interactions (such as discussing a key conflict) that your therapist will observe early on.
While these approaches may seem intimidating, they are a key part of the therapist’s beginning to understand the dynamics of your relationship.
After the assessment, you and your therapist will decide if you want to go forward in relationship therapy. After this step, the therapy approach will depend on the training and preferred model of the therapist. Here’s a look at some possible approaches you might expect.
Emotionally Focused Couple’s Therapy
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, often referred to as EFT, is one proven intervention. Studies repeatedly show that it is helpful for couples struggling with multiple issues (Wiebe & Johnson, 2016).
EFT is based on the premise that our attachment and bonding needs are a major factor in how a relationship progresses. In EFT, a therapist will help you both learn how to better understand and manage your own emotions. They’ll also teach you how to interact more effectively, and how to foster a closer bond with each other.
EFT is a highly recommended, time-tested therapy. Other well-known approaches are similar, but each has a unique perspective.
Gottman Method
The Gottman Method was developed by experts Doctors John and Julie Gottman. They utilized years of research on couples who thrive versus those who continue to struggle or break up. They used this understanding of what effective couples did better and created a therapy around their findings (The Gottman Institute, 2024).
Like EFT, Gottman therapy is also found to be effective for couples. The Gottman approach begins with reconnecting the couple as friends and building from there. They use the “Sound Relationship House” to build on the foundations of healthy partnerships. These stages include the following:
- Building love maps (learning about each other)
- Sharing fondness and admiration
- Turning toward each other instead of away
- Building a positive perspective
- Managing conflict
- Making life dreams come true
- Creating shared meaning
By working through all levels of the house, the couple builds a strong foundation and a variety of relationship skills. They can use these to repair problems and begin to move forward.
Imago Relationship Therapy
Imago therapy is an older approach, but these ideas have integrated into mainstream therapy over a matter of decades. Imago therapy was made famous by Oprah, who promoted the book Getting the Love You Want, written by the founders of the therapy. Individuals can seek out a local imago relationship therapist or opt for online therapy to help with their relationship issues (Schmidt & Gelhert, 2016).
The idea of this therapy is that all couples are influenced by their childhood experiences which directly link to how they interact with each other in their intimate relationships. Many people strongly identify with this idea, because they’ve experienced it. Often couples come to therapy confused about this, only to learn that most couples encounter these childhood triggers at some point, making intimate relationships crucial arenas for personal growth and healing.
In Imago therapy, you learn to better understand your own triggers as well as your partner’s, and how to work through these together. Therapists teach couples how to communicate more openly, and how to identify and support each other’s struggles.
The ideas of Imago have integrated into many areas of modern therapy. Therapists often reference these ideas in individual therapy as well, and they have been integrated into approaches for PTSD and other conditions.
Integrated Approaches
Many therapists are not trained in one specific, evidence-based therapy, but still offer couples therapy. Such therapists use their years of experience in their own relationships and in observations they’ve had with other clients to tailor their approach.
There is some disagreement about this eclectic approach. Developers of the formal therapies mentioned typically point to their own research, and stress that the more structured approaches are more effective (Lebow & Snyder, 2022). However, other therapists believe these approaches may be too structured, and focus less on the key aspect of the relationship with the therapist.
What to Expect in Therapy
When you embark on relationship therapy, you can expect to work with a trained couples therapist who will guide you through exercises and conversations designed to improve your relationship. Therapy sessions often involve active listening, empathy, and understanding, as well as homework assignments and exercises to help you practice new skills and behaviors.
During these sessions, you and your partner will work through issues such as communication, conflict resolution, and intimacy, aiming to develop a more positive and loving relationship with each other. Therapy may be conducted individually or as a couple, and typically involves 6-12 sessions. The goal is to create a safe space where both partners feel heard and supported, allowing for meaningful progress and growth.
Improving Communication in Adult Relationships
Relationship therapy places a strong emphasis on improving communication in adult relationships. Through the use of practices like Imago dialogue, couples can learn to communicate more effectively and empathetically, leading to increased understanding and intimacy. Imago dialogue involves techniques such as active listening, mirroring, and validation, which are designed to create a safe and supportive environment for individuals to express themselves.
By improving communication, couples can work through issues and develop a more positive and loving relationship. This approach not only helps in resolving conflicts but also fosters a deeper connection and mutual respect between partners.
Conflict Resolution in Couples Therapy
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, and relationship therapy can help couples develop healthy conflict-resolution skills. Through therapy, couples can learn to identify and challenge negative patterns and behaviors that may be contributing to conflict. Imago therapy techniques focus on developing more effective communication skills and fostering empathy and understanding of each other’s perspectives. By addressing these issues, couples can increase their intimacy and connection, making it easier to navigate disagreements and build a stronger, more resilient relationship.
Building Intimacy and Connection
Relationship therapy can help couples build intimacy and connection by developing a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, desires, and concerns. Through the use of Imago dialogue and other techniques, couples can learn to communicate more effectively and empathetically. Therapy also helps couples develop a more positive and loving relationship with themselves and their partner, fostering increased self-awareness and personal growth. By working together in therapy, couples can create a more fulfilling and harmonious relationship, characterized by mutual respect, understanding, and love.
Choosing a Relationship Therapist
If you are looking for a relationship therapist, consider exploring multiple options. If possible, you and your partner can discuss which type of therapy and therapist seems to fit you best.
In some cases, you may have many options available to you when it comes to choosing a therapist. If you’re unsure of how to decide, don’t be afraid to ask for an interview. Ask them what approach they use, how much training they’ve had in this area, and what guides their work with couples. Sometimes, you may find that the number of qualified relationship therapists in your area is limited. In that case, you may want to consider connecting with an online provider of couples counseling.
Also, try to get a feel for how you connect with the therapist. Do you both feel heard, accepted, and supported by the therapist? If not, it may be a difficult road forward. After all, you are investing your time and money and have a right to decide on the therapy approach and provider that’s best for you.
Sources
- Solis, M. (2024, February 20). Oxytocin, the love hormone, also keeps people apart. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/oxytocin-love-hormone-keeps-people-apart/
- The Gottman Institute. (2024, September 19). The Gottman Method – about | The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/
- Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A Review of the Research in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. Family process, 55(3), 390–407. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12229
- Schmidt, C. D., & Gelhert, N. C. (2016). Couples Therapy and Empathy: An evaluation of the impact of imago relationship therapy on partner empathy levels. The Family Journal, 25(1), 23–30. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480716678621
- Lebow, J., & Snyder, D. K. (2022). Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Family process, 61(4), 1359–1385. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12824
Jennie Lannette is a licensed therapist who specializes in trauma, PTSD, and related issues. She has trained extensively in multiple evidence-based treatments. She has a decade of experience in inpatient, community, and private practice settings.