Being in an intimate relationship for the long haul is both challenging and demanding. As you and your spouse encounter new experiences and grow through life, the challenge of maintaining an intimate and rewarding relationship becomes very real. It’s so easy to get lost in the busyness of day-to-day life that the stresses of dealing with family, earning a living, and managing a household can often leave couples with no space for themselves or their relationships. All long-term relationships inevitably encounter issues over time. Over time, couples may find themselves arguing more and communicating less, ultimately living separate emotional lives.
How couples manage the problems in their relationships is a key aspect of long-term relationship success. Based on the work of renowned marriage experts John and Julie Gottman, we’ll explore some basic key understandings essential to managing problems in your intimate relationships.
What are Solvable and Perpetual Relationship Problems?
The Gottmans make a useful and liberating distinction between solvable problems in a relationship and what they call perpetual problems. While many of us started our committed relationships with the assumption that as we “grow old together” our differences will melt away, the reality is very far from the truth.
Research conducted by the Gottman Institute indicates that 69% of problems that couples have conflict about are perpetual or unsolvable problems. These kinds of problems are unique to each couple, are based on their core differences, and are subject to personality or lifestyle requirements.
For instance, if your partner is very extroverted and enjoys socializing and you are more of an introvert and homebody, these differences could repeatedly generate conflict. When these issues are mishandled, the conflict can become what Gottman terms “gridlocked” with a couple discussing these issues repeatedly but getting nowhere. This cycle of unsolvable perpetual conflict can ultimately lead to emotional disconnection.
The crucial concept to keep in mind with these situations is that they are not solvable. You are no sooner going to turn your partner into a solitude seeker than you are going to become a party animal. The key to managing these kinds of problems is creating an emotionally connected space for actively coping with these issues. The aim should be to create opportunities for dialogue around the perpetual problem from a space of acceptance, understanding, affection, and possibly even humor.
A healthy dialogue around these issues can result in you and your partner recognizing and accepting each other’s needs and quirks and allowing room for them in your lives. That might look like embracing your partner’s need to go out with friends and perhaps even joining sometimes.
What’s so exciting about this concept of perpetual problems is that it creates a space within relationships for accepting differences, and recognizes the entirely normal reality that most of us will continue to disagree with our partners over certain issues, for many years to come.
On the other hand, the problems that are in our control are those that are simply situational. Solvable problems relate to issues such as managing housework, approaches to child-rearing, and extended family relationships. These kinds of issues are unique to the couple and can be resolved in a sustainable way.
From the perspective of Gottman, what is more significant than solving problems is ensuring that couples have a shared system of meaning underpinning their relationship. Developing a shared vision for the relationship, and the emotional intelligence and skills for managing conflict are far more significant than the actual resolution of a given conflict.
In Summary
When a partnership is characterized by this shared meaning, conflicts are inevitably less intense, resulting in the partners avoiding the gridlocked space. So when you find yourself at a stalemate with your partner, remember this basic wisdom and approach any conflict from a place of shared affection and commitment.
Sources
- The Gottman Institute. (2024b, March 20). The Gottman Institute | A research-based approach to relationships. https://www.gottman.com/
- Gottman, J. M., Gottman, J., Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. (2011, January 4). How to Keep Love Going strong. YES! Magazine. https://www.yesmagazine.org/issue/happy-families-know/2011/01/04/how-to-keep-love-going-strong
- Davoodvandi, M., Navabi Nejad, S., & Farzad, V. (2018). Examining the Effectiveness of Gottman Couple Therapy on Improving Marital Adjustment and Couples’ Intimacy. Iranian journal of psychiatry, 13(2), 135–141.
Dr. Stacey Leibowitz-Levy is a highly experienced psychologist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology (Cum Laude) and a PhD in the area of stress and its relation to goals and emotion. She works with adults, teens and children within her areas of expertise.