When you’re in a relationship with someone, you will hurt your partner at some point. You will also be hurt by your partner at some point. Whether intentional or not, it’s hard and painful when one partner hurts the other. When you’re the one who hurt your partner, it’s a tough spot to be in. You want to make things better but sometimes you don’t know what to do. Repairing damaged relationships takes both parties to be willing to put in the work to fix it. After being hurt, everyone has their own process to go through to work through the hurt they experienced. If you want to support your partner during this process, here are 5 ways to comfort them:
1. Acknowledge Your Mistake
Acknowledging your mistake is the first step to healing and repairing your relationship. You need to take responsibility for your actions and acknowledge the hurt you caused your partner. This means being honest with yourself and your partner about what happened and how it affected them. Acknowledging your mistake means you’re committed to fixing it and willing to work towards healing and growth.
When you acknowledge your mistake make sure to:
- Be specific about what you did. Clearly state the actions or words that hurt.
- Take full responsibility for your actions. Don’t shift the blame or make excuses.
- Show empathy and understanding towards your partner’s feelings. Let them know you get how they feel hurt.
- Be willing to make amends and work on healing the relationship. Show you’re committed to becoming a better person and fixing things.
By doing this you’re showing your partner you value their feelings and are committed to rebuilding trust in your relationship.
2. Validate Their Feelings
Validating your partner’s feelings is key to the healing process. You need to acknowledge and accept their feelings even if you don’t agree with their point of view. Validation means you’re committed to understanding and being with your partner’s emotions.
When you validate their feelings make sure to:
- Listen fully to their concerns and feelings. Show you’re fully present in the conversation.
- Don’t interrupt or dismiss their concerns. Let them talk without judgment.
- Show empathy and understanding towards their feelings. Acknowledge the pain and let them know you care.
- Validate their feelings and let them know you get how they feel. Use phrases like, “I see why you feel that way” or “Your feelings are totally valid.”
- Be patient and don’t take it personally if your partner is upset. Their emotions are a natural response to being hurt.
By validating your partner’s feelings you’re helping them feel heard and understood which is a big part of the healing process.
3. Apologize and Ask for Forgiveness
This might seem obvious but it’s a must. When you hurt someone, you need to acknowledge it, own it, and apologize. Even if you didn’t mean to hurt them, an apology helps. Asking for forgiveness takes it a step further. It shows humility and remorse and validates your partner’s feelings and experiences.
4. Give Them Space if They Need It
Giving your partner space and time to process their emotions is key after a hurtful incident. It’s important to respect their boundaries and let them heal at their own pace. This means giving them physical and emotional space, not pressuring or demanding, and being patient and understanding.
When you give space and time make sure to:
- Respect your partner’s boundaries and needs. If they need time alone, honor that.
- Don’t push for an instant connection or try to force your partner to talk. Let them come to you when they’re ready.
- Give your partner the space to heal and reflect on their feelings. This will help them process their emotions better.
- Use this time to reflect on your actions and how you can improve your relationship. What can you change to not hurt them the same way in the future?
- Be patient and don’t take it personally if your partner needs space. Remember this time apart can be good for both of you.
By giving your partner the space and time they need you’re showing respect for their healing process and the overall health of your relationship.
Some people need space after being hurt. Don’t assume that’s what they need. Pay attention to their non-verbals (i.e. walking away or not responding to messages). But when in doubt, ask them if they want space from you. It acknowledges they might need some time to heal and lets your partner decide what they need.
5. Ask What They Need From You
At some point, most people want some kind of affection. It might be a hug, holding their hand, or cuddling them. Everyone’s timing is different so pay attention to non-verbals and be in tune with your partner’s preferences. But again, when in doubt, ask if they want a hug or to be held instead of assuming.
6. Ask what they need from you
At the end of the day, it’s helpful to ask your partner what they need from you. This question can help from the moment when they’re hurting. It can give you guidance on how to comfort them. It can also be a question that can give comfort long-term. Asking what you can do in the future can show your partner you’re committed to not hurting them the same way.
7. Give Them Some Peace of Mind
When you talk to your partner about how you can do differently in the future, it’s nice to tell them you’ll work on not repeating the same behavior that hurt them. It’s helpful for them to hear that and even helps them heal from the hurt they feel.
As much as people don’t want to hurt their partner, it will happen. Knowing what you can do to comfort your partner after you hurt them can make them feel safe and secure in the relationship as they move forward.
Things to Keep in Mind
While your first instinct in these situations may be to focus on what actions you can take to fix things, the work does not end there. Repairing your relationship also includes allocating some headspace to the situation and giving thought to the factors outside of just appeasing your partner.
Negative Feelings
Managing negative feelings is key to the healing process. You need to acknowledge and address negative emotions like anger, resentment, and bitterness. This means being honest with yourself and your partner about your feelings and working through them.
When you manage negative feelings make sure to:
- Acknowledge and accept your feelings. It’s normal to be upset after a hurtful event.
- Don’t suppress or deny your feelings. Let yourself feel and process them.
- Be honest with your partner about your feelings and concerns. Communication can help you both understand each other better.
- Work through the negative feelings and find a positive outcome. This might mean talking about the issue, finding a compromise, or finding ways to not have the same issue in the future.
- Practice self-compassion and self-care to manage negative feelings. Take time for things that help you unwind and recharge.
By positively managing negative feelings you can work towards a healthier relationship with your partner.
Their Mental Health
Supporting your partner’s mental health is key to the healing process. You need to put their well-being first and provide a safe and supportive space for them to heal. This means being patient and empathetic, and seeking outside help if needed.
When you support their mental health make sure to:
- Put your partner’s well-being and safety first. Make their mental health your top priority in your relationship.
- Be patient and understanding and don’t put pressure on your partner. Healing takes time and you need to respect their pace.
- Provide a safe and supportive space for your partner to heal. Create a space where they feel comfortable to express themselves.
- Seek help if needed, like couples therapy or counseling. A licensed marriage and family therapist can be very helpful.
- Take care of yourself and put your own mental health first to support your partner’s healing. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
By supporting your partner’s mental health you’re supporting their whole being and your relationship.
As much as people do not want to hurt their partners, it will happen throughout a long-term relationship. Knowing what you can do to comfort your partner after you have hurt them can help them feel safe and secure in the relationship as you work to move forward.
Sources
- Laurenceau, J., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (1998). Intimacy as an interpersonal process: The importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness in interpersonal exchanges. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1238–1251. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.74.5.1238
- Schumann, K. (2018). The psychology of offering an apology: understanding the barriers to apologizing and how to overcome them. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 27(2), 74–78. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721417741709
Michelle is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist working as a counselor for students, faculty, and staff at Abilene Christian University in Texas. She works with athletes, bridging the gap between athletics and mental health at ACU. Michelle ran her own private practice in Austin, Texas where she worked with a diverse population, including couples and families.